How I Accidentally Ended Up Leading The Presidential Motorcade Not Once, But Twice In This Lifetime- So far!

Well, it's finally here, after 8 long years of hell under the current administration, we once more get to choose between the lesser of two evils. I'm definitly going to get out and vote, and I hope you do too. To celebrate the season I've finally written the account, for your enjoyment, of my unprecedented two time brush with destiny.

I know, it's hard to believe, but honestly, it happened to me.

The first time I meandered into the presidential motorcade was way back when, when I was a student in Marietta, Georgia. One day I was minding my own business, just meandering home from classes along a route I took every day. I was driving along listening to some tunes when I became aware that something was not quite right.

I looked to the left, and I looked to the right and what did I see? Nothing. I mean no one. I mean no cars. On the normally clogged with traffic expressway, I was totally alone. I was pondering the meaning of this. Had I been transported through some worm hole to an alternate universe where traffic jams did not exist? Was it much later ( or much earlier?) than I thought and possibly I had missed the traffic entirely? Had I fallen asleep at the wheel and I was now dreaming of a life where I, and I alone, owned the road? Had the bomb dropped and somehow it missed me and everyone else was vaporized, cars and all? Had I somehow driven right into The Twilight Zone?

I came around a curve in the road and was somewhat relieved to see people standing at the corner as I approached the traffic light. But wait! Something was still not quite right. The people had guns! What the heck! And there were police cars and guys with FBI vests and what the heck had I stumbled upon? Was it a SWAT event in progress? ( and yes, believe it or not, I have also driven right into the middle of a SWAT event! Just lucky I guess.)

I wanted to just put the pedal to the metal and high tail it right outta there but the light happened to turn red and I figured with all those cops and guns and cop cars it would be a bad and immature choice to go blasting through a red light so I geared down and stopped. Right at the white line. Full stop, no rolling. Perfectly legal.

I was still pondering the whole situation when a lady, obviously employed by the Georgia State Cops, ( I'm smart, I could tell right away by the uniform, bullet proof vest and that funny brown hat, not to mention the big old shot gun she was toting), came running up to the car screaming and gesturing in a wild manner. I realized she was probably not going to shoot because there were to many witnesses, so I turned the music down and rolled the window down.

" Can I help you?", I asked.
"What are you doing here?", she screamed.
"Um, driving home from school?" I asked.
"How did you get through the road block?", she was still screaming, (very excitable for a cop I thought).
"Um, what road block?", I asked.

Then she went on gesturing wildly and telling me the whole road system for miles around was blocked off for the presidential motorcade, which, apparently was due to arrive at that very corner in 3.7 Milli-seconds.

"Um, I never saw a road block?", I asked while I was thinking - what kind of dinky little road block could they have set up, if I didn't even see it while I apparently drove right through it!

At this question she started gesturing in an even more wildly agitated way and asked me where I got on the road. So I told her the entrance ramp I had taken onto the expressway and she started hollering into her walkie-talkie and I guessed, from the conversation, that the cops, the FBI and probably the CIA as well had made a little boo-boo. Their impenetrable net was hanging wide open and I was the little fishy that got through and swam right up in their faces. Good thing I wasn't some wild eyed, voice hearing, crazy militia type with a beef against society as a whole and the president in particular.

I did my best to radiate love and good will and all that crap while I was sweating bullets wondering if I was gonna be dragged from the car, cuffed and held for questioning. I was ready to pledge my allegiance to the flag, swear under oath I had voted for this president and beg for mercy.

I didn't have to do any of the above because my calm loving good-will to all vibe was obvious even to the wildly gesturing cop lady and she told me to turn left and do it quick. WOW! Permission to run the red light!

I put it in gear, hit the metal and swung around the corner just in time to see the motorcade fly by in my rear view mirror.

Well, I thought that was a once in a life time incident, but what the heck do I know?

Many years pass- moons wax and wane, seasons change following seasons that change, trees bud and go dormant, clock hands spin relentlessly. Presidents come and go.

I'm meandering home from the pool hall in my beat up Chevy ( Honest officer, I'm a patriot! I'm driving American made!) and I hear a funny noise. Not a funny Ha Ha noise, but a funny- oh no! That doesn't sound good noise. So I pull over and inspect the car and I find a flat tire! Well, no wonder the road felt a little bumpy.

So I'm standing on the side of the road trying to guess whether I have a spare tire and a jack, and looking for a pick up truck with a good looking brawny type guy to drive up so I can flag down some assistance, when I notice there is not another car on the road. How odd, I thought. No traffic. (I didn't get the hint right away). I figure I'm on my own so I walk around the back of the car and before I can pop the trunk a big black car pulls up on the shoulder of the road and stops really close to my car. I'm suspicious immediately. I ask myself to quickly review the possible weapons I have in the car, like a road map, several empty to go coffee cups, an extra pair of socks, a sweater and a pen. Damn! Where's the base ball bat when you need it?

The big black car vomits two big guys in identical suits. Now I'm really suspicious because I'm thinking - when was the last time your road side assistance came in the form of a couple of guys in tailor made suits, white starched shirts, Italian loafers and aviator sunglasses? Never- Right? So I start backing away and glancing around looking for the traffic that should have been around, but was not.

"Can I help You?", I ask.
" What are you doing parked here?" One says.
" I'm not parked here, I have a flat tire?" I ask as I wonder what wall street firm this brilliant guy works for.

They take a moment to ponder this and then say, " The presidential motorcade is on the way, you have to move this car".
I just laugh.
"Take a look, do you think it's going to move before I change the tire?"

So they ask me a few more questions like where have you been and where are you going while they look at the flat as a pancake tire. I give them permission to look in the car and they glance in the windows and announce they have to get this car out of here.
" Do you have a spare?" they finally get around to asking.
"Damn I hope so?" I ask as I circle around to open the trunk, which when I do, causes them to jump back gasping and fondling their holsters. Of course, in the trunk lies my big black pool cue case which I guess to a FBI indoctrinated mind looks just like a bazooka case. They get all fidgety as I explain it's just my pool cue case. It's obvious they are now on orange alert and are eying me trying to figure out if I'm wired to detonate the pool cue case from a remote location.

" Don't touch it", they yell as I start to lift it off the trunk floor which of course is the hatch to get to the spare tire and jack. I drop the case and they move in, quick to get between me and the threatening pool cue case. Now I want to laugh again but realize that might not be wise, so I give them permission to open the case. Which they do and are satisfied to see that indeed, it's a pool cue case.

By now they are at ease and start glancing at their identical watches and again start talking about getting this car out of here.

I stand along side the road, watching for the coming motorcade while these two guys in suits perform like a pit crew at the Indy 500. I have to say that FBI academy must have a real good course in changing tires because once they decided to take that action, that old tire was off and the spare on in no time. Taking their suit jackets off took longer than changing the tire.

Once they were done with the tire they instructed me to "haul ass to the nearest intersection and get off this street". I thanked them and did as instructed, watching in my rear view mirror, and again, as I turned I saw the presidential motorcade flash by in my rear view mirror. I was only moments ahead of them and thus, technically, leading the presidential motorcade for the second time in this life time- so far.