Adventures in Ghostwriting

Well, here I am again at the weekend and wondering where that whole week went. Actually, I'm wondering where that whole month of July went, last thing I remember I was laying in the sun and saying thanks for the long fourth of July weekend. Maybe it has something to do with my new job.

I'm a ghost writer now. It's kind of like being a ghost rider but instead of the cool bike I have a ergonomically correct desk chair. Still, I'm using my extraordinary talents to fight the menace of blank internet websites, and so far, I'm kicking butt with over 90% of my articles accepted for publishing.

Yes, it looks like I did not do a whole lotta writing in the past month, but the truth is I wrote one hundred and seven articles in the month of July. My one hundred and seven articles were posted on various web sites and under various names. Some of them were bought with a contract that said someone else was going to claim they wrote it and I could not ever tell anyone otherwise. Notice how, right now, I'm not naming any names? That's because I respect and honor my contracts.

Some of my articles were posted under nome de plumes. This is cool, because remember back in April? I wrote that whole article on getting a fine nome de plume? (April 16th, a Wednesday) Well, now I have a few of them. I'm Gretta Buttinski, Juan A. Bee, Leslie from Camden, and Drinkin A. Cuppajoe, among others. I've been so many different people in the last month I'm starting to feel like I have multiple personalities.

I've written dozens of 125 word blog posts, 250 word product reviews, 300 word articles, 400 word articles and the dreaded 700 word articles in which I must use the key word "guano" at least 3 times but not more than 5 times and the key phrase "guano maneuvers" at least 4 times and not more than 7 times and I must provide an attention grabbing headline of not more than 65 characters which uses the key term once and ends in the word "sparkling". I must have no more and no less than 6 paragraphs and each paragraph must have at least 40 words. Oh, and please be positive, no references to drugs or alcohol and for heavens sake, don't try to be funny, if we wanted humor we would ask for a funny 700 word article about guano maneuvers.

In the time it took to write the 700 word directions, they could have written the article themselves and saved a few bucks! But hey, then I wouldn't be working as a ghost writer.

I've written reviews on washers, dryers and lawnmowers. I've reviewed dance classes, moving companies, drum lessons, craft classes and emergency room visits. I've given advice to guys wanting to get their old girlfriends back, girls wanting to know how to deal with a cheating spouse, people wanting to get a cheap flight to South Africa, people wanting to know how to pick a hair style that fits their face, and parents wanting to know how to take a family of 6 to Six Flags with out breaking the bank.

I've given instructions for taming fly-away hair, making gift boxes, decorating the front stoop, giving a tea party and keeping the babysitter, once you find one that is really good. I have advised the love lorn and encouraged the backsliding bible thumper. One of my favorite how-to articles was about how to be safe on the open ocean in a 40 foot sailboat, and what to do if you get close to a storm you can't outrun. ( Secure everything, put on your pfd's -personal flotation devices, set off the homing beacon, close the hatches and call the Coast Guard, Dummies!).

So, as you can see, my many life experiences are coming in pretty handy now that I am a ghost writer.

Hey, and the pay isn't bad, considering I am working in my pj's only three feet from the coffee pot and three feet from the refrigerator and I don't have to listen to some idiot called a supervisor and I don't have to commute. I can work when I want and choose my jobs from a daily list of literally thousands of jobs. I can work for a couple hours, go for a bike ride, then work for another couple hours- no one cares! The only down side I can see is that my bloggers butt is sore and my mousers shoulder is acting up, otherwise it's not a bad gig. If my coffee pot and refrigerator were located on a beach in the south pacific, I would say it's perfect!

So, listen, I'm definitly thinking about you, my readers and I am working to submit at least two fresh posts to my blog each week, so check back later, I will have something new for you.