Like a Flea on a Coyote's Butt.

For the new year one of my goals is to meditate on a regular basis. I decided to do this because lord knows I could use a little relaxation in my life. I also recently read a few articles about the effect meditation has on your immune system and your health in general. Turns out meditation is really good for your physical, as well as your mental health. Increased immune activity is seen with as little as ten minutes of meditation a day! I'm also interested in trying this because of all the stuff you hear about how meditation expands your consciousness and "plugs you into the field". What field you ask? The morphic field, the zone, the string theory field, the web of universal energy, that from which all things come.

Sounds cool, doesn't it? To be one with the very particles (or waves, depending on who is watching) that make up all.

I'm told that to enter the field you must first enter the silence and still your mind. So that is the bottom line, stilling the mind and seeing what is on the other side of all this chatter. I'm thinking it's gonna look like an endless field of white sparkle, with flashes of color here and there.

So I've started meditating each day. I decided to start small because I sit still like a flea on a coyotes butt. But I figure if I can sit still for ten minutes, maybe eventually I can get my thoughts to sit still too. Then we would be in harmony, me and my sitting still body and no thoughts mind. We could just experience the sparkly field. Or nothingness. Or what ever- I don't really know because I've not been there yet.

I did some reading about different meditation techniques and decided to go the simple (kinda zen) way, to just sit and breathe. This is harder than it sounds. Most of us just sprint through life, never even realizing we are breathing. The body is so well designed, so automatic, you don't have to think to breathe, so why would you? Right? The idea is to slow your breath to about 6 breaths a minute. Apparently this is the optimal rate to cause your brain to switch gears and shift down to theta waves, which are like a minor ripple on the pond of your mind. Meanwhile you sit very still and don't think about anything. That is harder than it sounds too. I can fidget with the best of them, and I do.

The first time I tried meditating, my mind was like a kite flying on the beach. My thoughts would hold steady, steady on the breath, in-out, in-out, then suddenly my kite was diving and fluttering and threatening to break away. Past, present, future, all came at once. Thoughts of this that and the other, and of course all I was trying to think of was the now. Ever have that happen? You know, when you try not to think about something? It just keeps popping up, like those scary jack-in -the-boxes adults love to torment kids with.

As soon as I would feel the tug of the kite, which was not always immediately, I would reel the string back in until the kite was flying steady again, breathe one, two, three. Then I would start fidgeting, trying to get more comfortable in the chair. Or I would hear something and my attention would go there. Really, most of the session my mind was everywhere but on my breath and I think my body was trying to help my mind resist the halter because I became aware of every little bit of tension in my body. I would relax one part, so I didn't feel it any more and another would tighten up. Then I would start fidgeting again.

The good news is the ten minutes went by like two and I found the timer going off and my body so relaxed I could have slid right out of the seat. Guess that is why people typically meditate by sitting on the floor, that way, when they get all relaxed and noodle-e, they won't have to worry about falling out of a chair and hurting themselves.

Each time I've sat with my timer set for ten minutes, it's been the same story. I can see why people sign up to join group meditations. I think I would be embarrassed by all my fidgeting around while everyone else is sitting as still as the grave. I would have to, at least outwardly, settle down faster.

Today As I started my 15 minutes, (yes, the ten seems so short, no time at all really, so I have upped the ante, and challenged myself to sit for 15 minutes), it went something like this-

Breathe one, breathe two, breathe three,
My toe is scrunched. Ouch! My toe, I have to just wiggle it around a little...
oh, yeah
breathe four, breathe five, breathe six,
why is my shoulder so tight? I have to move my arm, relax, relax, darn it my elbow is tight too..
oh yeah
breathe seven, breathe eight, What was that noise? breathe nine, breathe ten, I think there is a draft aimed right at my butt, I need to scooch this chair around..
breathe eleven, breathe twelve, ouch! Very funny cat, that is my leg you are poking.
breathe thirteen, breathe fourteen, breathe fifteen, How am I going to write about meditating in my blog when I can hardly sit still for a moment?...Breathe sixteen, breathe seventeen,...watch the fire, that might help...breathe eighteen...

You get the idea, I was averaging about two uninterrupted breaths and then it was fidget, fidget and more fidgeting. Thoughts up, up, and away. I was trying not to think and I thought of everything from work to my third grade teacher Mrs. Gadhopper who wore a color coordinated silk flower pinned to her sweater everyday of class. I think I see a pattern here. The old internal struggle between the ego, who likes to be the boss and does not want to be bigger than the very body I inhabit, and the non-ego, whatever you choose to call it, the part that wants to meander through the endless field of light that is the source of all.

It went on like that for a while, but I'm no quitter, so I kept right on, noticing the thoughts and then getting back to the business at hand- breathing. Then, about breath 45 I noticed a shift. I was just breathing, and at the end of the out breath I felt a little nothing. It felt kind of big. It was just a moment really. Hardly there at all. But I noticed it and then I got all excited and blew it. What was that? Was that it? Did I just have a moment of nothing? Is that what all the fuss is about? What was that? How long was I out? By the time I got myself calmed down and back on track the timer was going off.

It only lasted a moment, but it felt like a really long moment, it felt expansive and bright. So I'm re-committing to sit, to see if I can find that nothing again, and maybe even find it on a regular basis. I want to meander in the field of light and see what it does for my overall health and well being. I will report back on this mission on a regular basis. Over and out, Meandering.