Dressing Was so Much Easier Before Victoria's Secret!

Recently I was getting ready to go out with some friends. I had lost track of time sitting at the computer percolating away and typing like a fiend getting my next blog article ready. There was a phone call, “hey” my friend said, “we’ll be there in 10, you ready”?
“No, I have to get dressed, but that will just take a minute”.

HA! It took me forever! Well, not forever but long enough for the party to start in my kitchen without me.

Used to be when a girl got ready to go out for the evening she could throw on underwear (sans bra), jeans and take a few moments picking out just the right rock concert t-shirt and wa-la! Ready to go and lookin’good. No more. Now it’s a whole complicated process thanks to Victoria and her little secret.

First, you pick the blouse because that has to be determined before you can pick the underwear. You have to do this because now, it’s not just underwear, it’s a “foundation for your look”. It has to be just so. You pick the bra before you choose the underpants because they have to match and the whole little outfit really depends on the appropriateness of the right bra.

You’ve got 1001 choices.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about the surprise-your-mate-passionate-and-slightly -kinky type underwear you see advertised for Valentine’s Day, I’m not talking about the you-have-a-hot-date-and-might-get-past-second-base style underwear, no, I’m not even talking about the I’m-gonna-dance-up-a-storm, kick-my-legs-high-jitterbugging-and-somebody-might-see-my-underwear type underwear. I’m just talking about your plain old regular everyday under the clothing underwear. I’m just talking about utilitarian underwear. I’m just talking about the underwear that lays the proper foundation for the clothing and look of today.

It’s no longer just about what color goes under what color so “nothing shows” or carrying a small safety pin or two so you can corral that slipping strap. Nowadays it’s about a whole lot more. The entire decision making process involves a series of questions to narrow down the field of possible choices. It goes something like this:

Now, with that blouse do you need a racer back, demi-cup, full coverage, t-shirt, wireless, wired, convertible, scoop neck or sports bra?

Do you need a miracle bra? Do you need more curves or less curves? If you want more curves, how much more? Do you want the padded, push up, gel push, up-lift or air push up? (does this sound like a basketball shoe commercial?)

Do you need the slim strap, fat strap, front cross strap, back cross strap, over the shoulders strap, around the neck strap, waist strap ( ? yes, they make a bra with a waist strap! Don’t ask me, I have no idea how it stays where it is supposed to stay.), nude strap, acrylic strap, lace strap or signature Victoria’s Secret initials strap? Do you need one strap, two straps, or strapless?

Next the fabric must be considered. Do you want satin, velour, velvet, lace, cotton, microfiber, silk, nylon, spandex, lycra, polyester or metallic thread? As well as the construction; will it be seam free, stitch free, removable or stationary straps, clingy, cling free, low cut, high cut, wire, no wire, front pads, side pads, under pads, front clasp or back clasp?

You guys out there may think this is a little crazy, but think about it, if you wore a jock strap for 10 or 12 hours a day, wouldn’t you be a little picky about the construction?

OK, we are getting close now. We’ve got the basic make and model, now we just need to iron out the options.

Now consider the color. The color depends on a number of factors such as what the blouse looks like, what the weather is like, what season it is, how much bra will be showing, what is the occasion, what current fashion trends are, what time of the month it is and what the bra-ees mental state of mind is. Basic black? White? Nude? Off white? Or will it be colored, and if so are we going with solid color or print? If we are heading to print, what theme? Victorian flowers, stripes, polka dots, big cat prints, jungle greenery, Hawaiian tropical, geometric, hearts, country fresh gingham, or the ever popular VS initial design?

It’s gotten out of control I tell you! What we have to go through to get dressed! We are being enslaved by our underwear! I’m not blaming this all on Victoria’s Secret. They are not the only ones perpetuating this crazy-ness!

I spoke to one of my sisters just yesterday and she had spent a day and a half in 30 different department stores looking at 7000 different styles of bra just to find a basic, comfortable, everyday wear model that didn’t have a price tag more appropriate for a sold gold Mercedes.

It’s insane I tell you! We might as well be strapped into corsets as strapped into this gooey, sticky, love to pick it but once I start it just won’t let go- taffy-like relationship with our underwear. OK, maybe that’s exaggerating, I once spent 16 hours in a corset and bustle- on the set of a movie- and I couldn’t breath, couldn’t sit down and I had black and blue ribs for a month after! Maybe it’s not that bad.

I thought I had solved the dilemma a few years ago when I found the perfect fit of a bra, ordered one in every color and let it go at that. But wouldn’t ya know it, they discontinued that style and I had to start all over! I still haven’t recovered from that, I’m hanging in bra limbo trying a new model each time I order looking for my Mr. Right Bra.

Meanwhile it takes me several hours to get dressed and a full 30 minutes of that is just the underwear selection. Then of course, there’s the shoes…